


emotion

by bbubbleddae



Series: moon and stars; exo ship oneshot series [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of Cancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 13:32:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11624565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbubbleddae/pseuds/bbubbleddae
Summary: sometimes i wonder why humans feel.why i feel.other times, i wish i didn't feel anything.





	emotion

**Author's Note:**

> this one in particular is v v v angsty so uh yeah. warnings: lowercase is intended, and it's told in first person, jongin's pov.

joy  
noun

—a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

 

  
i was never a happy child. not that i really had a crappy childhood, i was just never happy.

i never knew what it felt like to be happy. i rarely held a smile. everyone else seemed to know.

people were always smiling around me. they were big and cheery. they laughed all the time. they were loud and real.

i was always told to smile more. that when i did smile, it was nice. i had a nice smile, apparently.

but in my last year of high school, i met him.

he had a beautiful smile, one that made me smile too. he always talked happily, excitedly. i never saw him cry or get angry. not even once.

he approached me and introduced himself. his heart-shaped grin was the first thing i noticed about him.

"hey. my name is do kyungsoo." he had told me.

at first, i strayed away from him. but he was persistent and told me to smile, just like others.

what surprised me was that for the first time he told me that, i managed one. a shy, small smile to him.

and for the first time, i felt happy. joyous. my heart swelled and leaped, my body felt light. like i was flying. all because of him, his pretty smile, and our beginning friendship. he made me smile more, laugh more, be more affectionate to others

he made me so happy.

 

~|•|~

 

anger  
noun

—a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

 

  
an angry child, i was. not all the time but yeah. i had...issues, so adults around me said.

i hated being talked about. it was always my anger issues and lack of politeness. it was never about if i won a dance competition, or a soccer game. it was never if i got a good grade on my test.

it was always those fucking anger issues that i couldn't help. it pissed me off so badly, i tried so so hard not to lash at the ones talking about me.

i hated the feeling. of anger, rage, being mad. it made my blood boil, my eyes only see red and white, my throat scratchy after a meltdown.

but what was i supposed to do? the "help" i was getting for these issues wasn't helping at all. they told me to talk about why i was angry, what made me angered, what happens when i am. supposedly, that would fix my problems.

my mom took me out of anger management when i got to high school. she told me that i needed to learn to control my emotions myself, and make some friends. maybe they could help too.

truth? yeah, i made friends. just because i had anger issues doesn't mean i was a total asshole. though, many, many, people pissed me off in ways i can't describe.

what was strange was, kyungsoo never made me mad. he was one of very few that never did.

 

~|•|~

 

disgust  
noun

—a feeling of revulsion or profound disapproval aroused by something unpleasant or offensive.

 

  
more than people angering me, they absolutely disgusted me too.

it wasn't by religion or political stance or sexual orientation, don't get the wrong idea. it was about their actions and words.

the people of my generation talked about me too. knew me as "that kid who gets angry all the time". if i had an outburst, it was spread around in all grades.

i hated seeing couples. it was all gross to me, to be honest, and what disgusted me more is when there was cheating. at least they had someone that loved them that much.

i never really had that.

anyway, some teachers left me in revulsion in the way they taught—if they were shitty teachers. others, it was their general aura and personality. every teacher, almost every student, my family, they all disgusted me.

i hated them most of the time.

but kyungsoo was one of the first people i was never disgusted with.

he was the kindest person i'd ever met. he may have seemed sort of scary at times, but he'd never hurt anyone. he protected who he loved, and was there for them all the time.

he was there for me.

 

~|•|~

 

confusion  
noun

—lack of understanding; uncertainty.

•the state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about

 

  
out of many i've felt, being confused is the worst feeling i've dealt with.

i say this more than i probably should, but hey, what can you do about a guy with anger issues? the feeling absolutely pissed me off.

as a child, i was confused as to why my family, friends of my family, and others, just openly talked about me, in front of me, and not in the positive way. again, it was my issues, all the fucking time.

i never understood why i had to go to anger management. it wasn't doing any good, and when my mother finally realized that, she pulled me out.

but here's what ticked me off more.

kyungsoo.

yeah, okay, i said he would never make me angry, and i meant it. as much as he made me learn to feel happy, that smiling is okay and a wonderful thing, he confused me sometimes too.

despite his happy aura and amazing grins, he had a dark side that i never quite understood. i wanted to, and that's what made me mad. that i couldn't understand it.

sometimes he talked about things. dark things, like death and pain, illnesses and war, oblivion and how the world is slowly dying. that's what it felt like to him.

i was uncertain. why would someone so beautiful and happy, talk and think about things like that? and each time he would finish talking about those things, he would put on that smile and say, "i'm sorry. i probably bored you. but it's inevitable."

i would just smile back and shrug my shoulders, telling him it was no big deal.

 

~|•|~

 

fear  
noun

—an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

 

  
i had many fears. even if i got over them in short time.

i won't name them, some were pretty ridiculous, others i guess were pretty logical. though, one that i'll probably never get over is being scared of the dark.

i hated it. in the dark, my thoughts were always negative. it played tricks on my mind, putting voices in there and making new terrifying noises. it made me hallucinate the bad things, moving shadows.

unfortunately, i was never able to get out of that fear. everyone that became remotely close to me, and knew i was afraid, thought it was funny, strange.

then again. no one thought i was normal.

but this one night. he and i decided to study together. i ended up staying late at kyungsoo's house, so he opted to let me sleep at his place. at first, i declined. i feared him judging my phobia too. he was the one person, i wish wouldn't ever judge me. everyone else could go suck it.

he was so persistent, though. came up with random and ridiculous excuses that brought a smile to my lips. eventually, i just accepted and chose that i'd have to tell him someday.

so we had dinner. he cooked, parents were out and his brother lived at a dorm for college. it was just us.

when it came to finally getting to sleep, i laid down first in his bed—he had demanded we sleep in the same bed, which i didn't mind too much. he came back, ruffling his dark hair and yawning.

he didn't turn the lights out. he lied with me.

"why are you keeping the lights on?" i asked him.

he turned to face me and had a sad-ish grin on his face. "i can't sleep in the dark."

i was glad to know that i wasn't the only one with a fear like this.

he surprised me, though, when we were about to sleep. he snuggled into my chest, and in a weak and quiet voice, he said, "please hold me. i'm scared, jongin."

i held him. i didn't know what he was afraid of, but i didn't ask him. somehow, him being afraid, scared me. he was, as i've mentioned, so happy, always smiling, always loving, always brave for others.

 

~|•|~

 

jealousy  
noun

—feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.

•fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions.

to be jealous, was a feeling i also hated. though i never got jealous very easily.

i did get envious of another friend of kyungsoo's. i didn't know why i got that way until later, but that's for another time to explain.

the guy's name was kris. also known as yifan, but everyone just called him kris. he was a chinese-canadian transfer student, and he became popular with many very quickly. kyungsoo being the friendly person he was, he talked to kris a lot.

seeing them together, they looked close. almost as close as kyungsoo and i were. and i couldn't control my boiling blood and glares towards kris. kyungsoo's attention was beginning to shift to kris, and it made me sick.

apparently, baekhyun—a friend of mine and kyungsoo's—noticed my raging jealousy at kris. he asked me about it to clarify. eventually when i finished talking it out, what he said after that shocked me.

"get soo jealous then."

though it shocked me, at that point, nothing sounded better. baekhyun opted to help me and be "the kris to my kyungsoo".

before i even knew it, kyungsoo and i began to drift apart. my senior year of high school was wrapping up, and the one i'd become closest to and myself were breaking.

soon, i regretted agreeing to make kyungsoo jealous. because we weren't what we used to be and it killed me.

a couple days before our graduation day, i managed to spot him in the streets with kris. i immediately caught up with him, spun him around by the shoulders, and he blinked at me.

"i'm sorry." that's all i could say.

he stared at me for a bit, as did kris with creased eyebrows. "what for?"

i explained everything to him. every last detail i could have possibly thought of that moment. i spared kris a glance every few seconds, expecting him to send me a glare or two. but they never came. his eyes were soft and slightly sad.

when i had finished, kyungsoo grinned. "you idiot, why didn't you say anything in the first place? jesus, we could've fixed it sooner. how did i end up with a friend like you, huh?" his tone was teasing but happy.

i only smiled shyly and shrugged my shoulders. kyungsoo sighed and pulled me in for a hug, taking myself by surprise. it felt nice though, to have him in my arms and vice versa. he was warm and small, but he was so comforting.

"are we good now, nini?"

"yeah."

he held me tighter, but only for a couple seconds. then he turned to kris, telling him he would be with me for a while. kris just smiled and shrugged it off.

and we were back to normal.

 

~|•|~

 

admiration  
noun

—a feeling of wonder, pleasure, or approval.

 

  
even after i graduated high school and began my scholarship at an arts school, i never truly understood what it meant to be infatuated with someone or something.

i never admired my parents, as they were never really parents to me. nor did i admire any idols, just listened to some music or watched them dance. there was no interest sparking to admire anyone or anything, growing up.

kyungsoo was a different case, however.

a voice of an angel, he had, both singing and speaking. it was smooth and it took your breath away, leaving you entirely speechless. i always loved his voice and admired him for it. i liked singing to some extent, but i don't think i met anyone that loved to sing as much as he did. i respected that too.

the fact that he always had a reason to smile, i admired that as well. that he could make me smile as soon as my eyes landed on him. he had that effect on me. i wondered if i had that effect on him sometimes.

he knew how to make the ones sad feel happy. i don't know how he did it and i wished to be able to do that someday to someone too. i wished he'd teach me.

as time went on, i just came to admire him more and more, for the little things and the ones i mentioned.

i told him, "you're admirable, hyung."

he looked at me with wide eyes. then he smiled the type of smile i'd never seen on him. a somber one. "thank you. but really, jongin. i'm not."

i never asked why he thought that. i just replied with, "well, i think so and nothing is going to change that."

he just rolled his eyes, but the somber smile had disappeared from his face. it was more of a shy smile. he didn't say anything after that.

 

~|•|~

 

love  
noun

—a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

•to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

 

  
i always thought being in love with someone was impossible, or that it was just a sick illusion our minds play on hearts. could've been one of the reasons couples disgusted me as a child and teenager.

maybe a year and a half passed, after i met kyungsoo. and for a while, at that point, my body was reacting in weird ways every time i saw or even thought of him. i didn't know what it meant for a long time.

heart beating faster.

stomach fluttering.

feeling my own eyes brighten.

cheeks feeling warm.

i couldn't put my finger on it until after our first year of college. in that year, him and i were inseparable. we lived in the same dorm room, we were always found together on any breaks we had, so on and so forth. honestly, i considered him my best friend and it didn't change for two years.

i realized i loved him, at a college party. he was dancing with someone else, i don't remember if it was a girl or a guy anymore. but they were touching each other intimately and all i could think was, why isn't that me with him? i could only think of how much it hurt to see someone else touch him, and vice versa.

i wanted that with him.

but i never truly got to tell him how i felt. at least, not for a while before he started noticing i was acting different. i began to avoid him—which was very hard to do, by the way—and i couldn't act naturally around him anymore.

he noticed. then confronted me.

i couldn't answer him the first time. i didn't have the courage.

then he took my face in his hands, forcing me to look him in the eye. his eyes were soft, and that time, his smile was encouraging. "you know you can tell me anything. i won't judge you."

i pressed my lips in a line. he let his hands fall. still, i said nothing.

he frowned. "jongin." he said softly, "come on, what's wrong?"

that moment, i realized that there was no way i was going to avoid this. i took a deep breath, and my voice faltered when i told him, "i love you."

kyungsoo blinked, then a smile formed his lips. he didn't say anything to my confession. he didn't need to when he pulled me into him. his arms were around my neck and his head buried in my chest.

then he began to tremble. and i could've sworn i heard a soft cry.

 

~|•|~

 

hurt  
noun

—mental pain or distress

 

  
after i told kyungsoo i loved him, we became a couple. he told me he wouldn't be able to say it back for a while, but i was willing to be patient with him. and being together with him, holding his hand, all those things, they felt so right to me. i was happy, and seemingly, he was too.

about three months after we got together, i noticed that he began to act differently. he smiled less and less as time went on, and if he did smile, it was usually something forced. he wasn't as optimistic as he used to me. he worried me so much and i tried to be there for him as much as i possibly could.

he started crying one night at our dorm room. he was almost to the point of screaming, and i had no idea why he was like that. i just held him close, caressed his hair, kissed his tears, and whispered, "i'm here. i'm here," repeatedly.

i couldn't avoid something like this. he clearly tried to do so, but it failed.

when i asked him about it, that somber smile came over his face again. "i'm okay."

"no, you're not. you were crying in my arms last night, how can you be okay?"

his smile faded and i saw years in his eyes. i watched him swallow. "i-i don't want to be a burden to you, jongin."

a lump rose in my throat. "you're not. nor will you ever be." i walked closer to him, put both hands on his cheeks, and leaned down till our lips met. i felt a tear drop onto my thumb as he kissed me back. i removed my lips from his, then touched his forehead to mine. "you said i could tell you anything, so why can't you do the same with me?"

his lips parted as if he was going to speak. but he didn't. i felt more tears touch my thumbs and hugged him. he sobbed into my chest, hiccups coming from him every few moments. i just kept holding him warmly and tightly, planting numerous kisses in his hair. we stayed like that for a while.

soon, he finally calmed down and pulled away from me. his cheeks were still glistening. i dried them, then held his hands in mine. "i love you, okay?"

he smiled a little, causing me to send one back. "i'll tell you, but on condition that nothing will change us."

"of course."

he dragged me over to the living area and sat us both down on the couch. he held my hand with both of his own. he didn't smile. he breathed in. "just try not to get mad." i nodded. "i'm sick."

i blinked. "what?"

"i'm sick, jongin. i have brain cancer."

for a while, i just stared at him astonished and...hurt. why didn't he tell me this before? didn't he trust me?

"i've been diagnosed since i was fifteen. it was fine for a while but...it's getting worse again."

i released his hand and clenched my fists. "why didn't you tell me?"

"i told you, i don't want to be a burden–"

"but you never were!"

he closed his mouth. his gaze fell on his fiddling thumbs in his lap. "i'm sorry."

i set my jaw. "is there anything else you haven't told me?"

he swallowed, and tears left his eyes again. "all i can think about is how i'm dying. i-i don't want to live like this. fighting cancer and knowing i probably won't survive. i don't want to live."

i should've been comforting him, telling him it was okay and that i was there for him. but i was lost in my own selfish thoughts. how angry and hurt i felt, that he didn't trust me. that he didn't tell me this sooner.

 

~|•|~

 

sadness  
noun

—an emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow.

 

  
i wasn't myself. some nights i felt like crying, others i actually did.

i had to be away for a while. away from kyungsoo. so i ended up staying with baekhyun until i could pull myself in gear, or when i was ready to see kyungsoo.

those nights were lonely. i felt tired and confused and sad. i didn't know how to handle so much, i just cried and/or danced it off.

now, i try not to imagine how kyungsoo felt, because when i do, my heart aches and cries. maybe he cried too. because he was lonely, with a tumor in his brain and haunting thoughts of dying. it hurts me every time. and i regret not being there.

i finally came to accept everything, after a lot of tears and screams. there was a chance that kyungsoo wouldn't live. but, when i really thought about it, i would've rather him be in a better place and his body buried six feet underground, than him be suffering.

and i knew. i had to be there for him. i had to be brave for him and love him as much as i possibly could.

 

~|•|~

 

today, i finally have the courage to see him again. even so, i stand here at our door, completely nervous. about how he'll react or what i can even say to him.

i press my lips together and reluctantly twist the knob on the door.

when i walk inside, it's surprisingly darker than usual. the faint daylight shines through the curtains of the living area and dining room, but no lights are on. the place is immaculate, as expected from kyungsoo. i slip off my shoes and amble quietly to our bedroom.

the door opens as i'm about to twist the doorknob. i step back, surprised by the action. kyungsoo stands there and stares at me with an even paler complexion and puffy eyes. a pang tugs at my chest.

"hey." is all i can say for the moment.

he only continues to stare. then he parts his lips. "jongin–" it comes out as a mere whisper.

i pull him into me and wrap my arms around his smaller frame. tears well up in my eyes as i bury my face in his hair. i feel his hands clench the back of my shirt and hear him cry softly.

"i'm so sorry, kyungsoo." the tears fall from my eyes and i hold him tighter. "i-i'm so sorry..."

we stay like that. stuck in each other's embrace and warmth, us both crying again. i hear him hiccup and sniffle a couple times into my shirt. soon, i let go of him and cup his cheeks, drying the tears from his face. even when he cries, he manages to stay so beautiful.

"i feel so stupid for leaving you like that. and, god, i'm so sorry." i feel my lower lip wobble. "w-will you forgive me?"

he smiles weakly. how i missed him smiling. "of course i will, you big baby."

i can't help but grin at that. his own smile seems to broaden after i do and he brings his fingers up to my face. he wipes the droplets from my eyes and cheeks. then he brings my head lower for our foreheads to touch. one of his hands rests on the nape of my neck, the other is holding my own that touches his cheek.

"i love you so much." i say in a whisper.

his eyes form crescents as his pretty, heart-shaped smile reappears. "i love you too, nini."

it's his first time saying it back to me. i feel my heart almost jump out of my chest and break out in an even larger grin. my lips engage his in a soft kiss that makes my stomach flutter and my heart light.

 

~|•|~

 

i'm not sure how much longer kyungsoo has. but he's told me that he didn't want the treatment anymore, if it was no longer working for him. doctors have told him and i that it could quicken the rate of him dying, or he could take it slower. everyone is different.

it's been three months, since i found out. the leaves have turned their autumn colors and now begin to fall off the trees. as time goes on, he looks sicker and sicker. his skin is unbelievably pale now. he's slowly winding down, and seems fatigued more often than not. sometimes i'm afraid i'll hurt him just by hugging him or holding his hand, he looks so frail.

i lie with him in our bed. he's sleeping soundly and soft snores emit from him. it's only two in the afternoon, but he couldn't even keep his eyes open for a straight five minutes. i brought him to our room a bit ago, carrying him bridal style and setting him on the bed like a glass doll. now i can only stare at him and make sure nothing happens while he sleeps. not that i mind, of course.

i can't stop my mind from drifting. he doesn't have much time, whether it's a few months or just a year or two longer. i feel my faint smile disappear as thoughts come to mind.

what would it be like without him by my side?

will i be able to love someone else again?

those types of thoughts. it hurts to think about them, yet i can't stop myself from doing so.

there's a huge possibility that i won't love someone else as much as i do him. i don't want to either.

i can't even answer what it would be like with him gone. that's...impossible.

i hate to imagine or ask the question.

suddenly, he stirs and his eyes open slowly and sleepily. his eyes are beautiful as always, big, round, but still beautiful. kyungsoo smiles at me and his cold hand touches my cheek. i shiver a bit, then relax and touch that same hand.

"you sleep okay?" i query, giving kyungsoo a small smile in return.

he nods. "yeah. you didn't have to lie down with me, though."

"i wouldn't if i didn't love you so much." i say with a teasing tone.

he laughs a little. when his laughter fades, as does his smile. but he stares at me with a sweet look in his eyes. he retracts his hand from my cheek, grasping mine.

"i love you too." he says.

the statement makes a faint smile appear to my face. i press a long kiss to his forehead, then pull him closer to me. his body is cold and small, and it makes my heart sink into my stomach. his face nuzzles into my neck and his breaths tickle my skin. i begin to hum a song for him, gently moving my fingers up and down his spine.

"nini?"

"hm?"

"what made you like me in the first place?"

i stop my hand. "in what way?"

"platonically."

i release a small sigh and a hum of thought. then i smile a little. "you were always happy. smiling. laughing." i hear him chuckle a bit. "but you're also kind, and sweet. and brave. i guess those things drew me to you."

he grumbles. "i remember you were a total grump when i met you. gosh, look at how much you've changed, huh?"

my heart beats faster. "it's all because of you."

he lifts his head from my neck and furrows his eyebrows. "really?"

"mhm." i nod, a simper making its way to my lips. "you showed me what it was like to be happy. i'm so grateful for that." his cheeks flush a pinkish color as he avoids my eyes. i tilt his chin up and lean in to him. before i can kiss him, i say, "thank you for helping me understand happiness."

 

~|•|~

 

snow covers the ground like a thick, white blanket. it sprinkles out of the clouds, almost like powdered sugar. the air is cold and bitter, and clouds come from one's lips.

kyungsoo wanted to go out into town today, go to the park, look in shops for christmas. as he becomes weaker and weaker, it's harder for him to walk. so i push him in a wheelchair, squeezing his shoulder every so often to assure that he's alright. in which, he offers me a tired smile, each time.

"are you hungry?" i ask him as i touch his shoulder again.

"a little." he touches my hand this time. it feels icy.

i find a small restaurant close by, that i know has good food. i bring him in and ask for a table for the two of us. the hostess looks at kyungsoo with pity in her eyes. i can tell by the way kyungsoo tenses, he hates it. he hates it when people pity him. he knows i do sometimes, and i always get smacked upside the head or kicked in the leg for it.

she guides us to a larger and more secluded area of the place. i move one of the chairs to a part where no one will trip over it, then place kyungsoo where that chair once was. we get our menus and the hostess leaves.

when i stare at him again, i see he's paler than the usual. he looks sickly. and unfortunately, he's been like that for months now.

but he isn't smiling. it worries me. kyungsoo always smiles.

i watch him look through the menu and turn the pages of it. i think he noticed me staring. because his eyes move and lock on me. this time, he manages a simper.

i can't bring myself to give him that same smile.

 

~|•|~

 

"you know," kyungsoo says on the way home after a prolonged silence, "i think you've changed me."

"yeah? how did i do that?"

he shrugs. "dunno. you...made me realize how precious life really is. and i'm thankful to know that and have you." i sense the smile in his voice.

i stop pushing, park off to the side so we're in no one's path. "all i did was actually let you into my life. it shouldn't be a big deal to you."

he turns to look at me shortly. then he mutters just loud enough to be audible, "come here." i go around so i'm face to face with him. he takes my hand. "it's a huge deal to me. jongin, when i first met you, i wanted to die. i...i knew i was going to get worse again. and i didn't want to live. i was too cowardly to kill myself or harm myself. befriending you, that was what kept me going. you kept me going. and i love you and thank you for that."

i feel my cheeks warm up despite the biting cold. his gorgeous smile makes my heart beat faster. i bend down far enough so i'm close to his face. then i kiss him, right there, in town, where people can see us. but i don't care. it seems he doesn't either, when he kisses me back and allows our mouths to glide together.

we stay like that. i'm not sure how long we do. it feels like the world just stopped and we were the only ones there. cliché, i know, but truly, that's how it feels. a piece of me wants to stop and kiss every part of him. another wants to scream out how much i adore kyungsoo, and how unbelievably happy i am to have met him.

he's the one that breaks it first and he breathes slowly. i can feel some stares upon us, but god, i don't give a fuck who's looking.

"you changed me too, you know." i say with a grin.

he shoots a very knowing smile. "really, now. and how did i do that?" his tone is sarcastic, and it makes me chuckle.

"you know why i barely get angry anymore? it's all you." he snorts. "i love you."

he smiles widely at me once again, then kisses my lips one last time.

 

~|•|~

 

i make a stop at the grocery store, on new year's eve, just to grab some odds and ends for dinner and the necessities. as i go through the dairy aisle, i suddenly hear my name called.

kris.

his hands are shoved in his pockets and a somewhat welcoming smile shows on his face.

"oh," i say, "hi."

he walks closer to me, and somehow i can't understand how he looks so relaxed around me. "how are you?" he asks.

i swallow. "okay, i guess."

his expression changes from friendly to sympathetic. "kyungsoo?"

my lips part. "uhm, he's, uh..."

"it's okay," his mouth quirks up in a somber smile, "i know."

i blink. "you what?"

"i know." he repeats. "he's sick. he told me when we started hanging out together."

i don't speak. how am i supposed to react to that?

"is he doing okay, these days?"

my heart sinks. i look at the ground and a lump rises in my throat. i attempt to swallow it. "he's...," it hurts to swallow, "he's not great, honestly."

kris' face falls. "i see." he bites his lip, "how much longer does he have?"

"i don't know," i shrug my shoulders. "i imagine not long, though."

i don't notice the tear that falls from my eye. and suddenly, i'm brought into a warmer embrace by kris. i barely know him, and he doesn't know me. but he's trying to comfort me. why would he?

though, i can't help but melt into him just a little. it hurts. fuck, it hurts so much. the one you love most not having very long to live. you know they'll be gone soon, but you force yourself to smile for them and you love them as much as you possibly can. for a few moments, i begin to regret. regret meeting kyungsoo, regret falling in love with him. regret feeling anything. just regret.

i'm not sure how kris knows. but the words fall right from his lips. "you shouldn't regret anything. i know you love him, and i know he loves you back. i know he probably wouldn't be alive right now, if it weren't for you, jongin. you should understand that."

i don't move. i just nod and find myself crying more.

 

~|•|~

 

when i come home, i see kyungsoo fast asleep on the couch, looking small and frail. i set the grocery bags on the counter and amble towards him. a soft smile rests on my face. i move the fringe from his eyes and press a kiss to his forehead. he opens his eyes, and smiles.

"morning, sleeping beauty." i joke, smoothing his hair.

normally he would hit me for that. but he doesn't. his smile fades. his eyes look...blank.

he parts his lips. "jongin." he says raspily.

something's wrong. this isn't like him. my heart stammers worriedly against my chest. i hum in reply.

this time, kyungsoo smiles weakly. "will you take me to our bedroom and hold me for a while?"

i feel tears in my eyes, again. i nod at him, scoop him up in my arms. then walk to our bedroom. when i get there, i set him gingerly on the bed. i lie next to him and pull the blanket over his body, instead of my own. i pull him into me, his head in my chest. he's cold. so cold.

"nini." he says quietly.

this time, the tears fall. i'm so well aware of what's coming. here, now. i know.

"hmm?" i respond meekly.

he lifts his head up and places a long, sweet kiss to my lips. he wipes the tears from my cheeks, but they just keep coming down.

he smiles. "i love you so much, jongin." he's crying too. he wraps his arms around my torso and nuzzles his head back into me.

i try not to scream. i can't scream. not yet. his fingers grip my shirt tightly. he sniffles, he sobs. and for a while, we're just like that. holding onto each other for the last time.

and just like that, he goes limp.

i cry louder and harder than i ever have before.

 

~|•|~

 

years pass by. i've gotten better since kyungsoo died, but it still hurts a lot to think about him. i can't re-learn to love someone again. after him, i can't love someone like i did him. they'll remind me of him somehow and i'll just break in cries.

for five years, i haven't visited his grave. but i'll have to be brave someday, and that day is now.

i don't bring flowers. just myself. it's spring. there are already flowers surrounding his gravestone. guessing from his parents and friends.

the stone reads:

Do Kyungsoo  
January 12 1993 - December 31 2012  
in memory of a loving son, brother, friend, and companion.

i let my hand glide against the writing.

"hey," i start with a soft smile, "have you been well? god, i seriously hope so." i laugh a little. "i miss you, soo. i miss you a lot. i wish you were here to cheer me on. but you're probably watching me and doing just that. i like to hope you do." my eyes burn. "i want you to know. i loved you so so much. and i wanted you to be happy before i was. i'm sorry i haven't visited these past years. it wasn't because i didn't want to. but it hurt too much to come here, for a while. now i can try talking to you here." tears streak my face. "god, i love you so much. i miss you. i hope you know that."

i lick my lips, dry my cheeks, and i look up at the sky. "don't forget me."


End file.
